Fool's Paradise

Last-minute reflections at the end of the year

The year is ending and I feel weird. This week between Christmas and New Year’s is usually the time of year when I start to feel anxious, self-doubting and start overanalyzing – did I do enough, go enough places, meet enough people, branch out enough, try enough new things? What I always eventually remember is that it will never be enough, and it has never been. So why try and quantify it now just because it happens to be the last week of December? Easier said than done.

Last week, I was listening to an older episode of one of my favorite podcasts and one of the hosts quoted this exact Joan Didion quote I’ve quoted before and she prefaced it by saying something to the effect of (paraphrasing) “Ugh, I hate to even do this because it’s so cheesy to even quote Didion, especially when talking about California.” My mind started racing around in circles at rapid speed, along with a growing flicker of internal embarrassment in my gut: Is it cheesy to quote Didon? Am I cheesy? Am I unoriginal? Is it stupid to care about this quote so much or be so affected by it?

I guess what I’m saying is that in December I have been feeling foolish or wondering if I maybe should feel foolish for thinking certain thoughts or liking certain things. I’ll look out from my new apartment and marvel at the hills of houses sparkling in the distance like a Christmas tree that’s always turned on, and then an instant later wonder why I like it so much. Why is it so important to me – the sunsets, the hills, the glitz and the romance you can find in Los Angeles if you’re looking for it? Am I putting too much importance on these kinds of things? Am I getting too caught up in some kind of status fixation – admiring glittering dots of homes that feel so out of reach they may just as well be stars in outer space? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s actually okay to seek out beauty in everyday life (recommended, even!) or like the scenery in the place you choose to reside in… but my mind wants me to believe otherwise. Every thought lately has a follow-up of “why?” but no why has been met with an answer.

Left to right: aura photos from March 2024 and December 2024

I got my aura photo taken again the other day, the last time being earlier this year in March. It was such a cool experience that I wanted to do another one before the year ended – see if anything changed or just see what kind of energy I was giving off going into the next year and closing out this one. Where my aura colors were all blue and white in March, my aura now was blue again with some white, but this time with additional pops of colorful yellow and pink. The aura photographer told me these were positive and warm, loving colors. He told me to be careful not to overanalyze any good or optimistic energy coming my way and instead, to just appreciate it – no questions asked.

So, is it enough to live in LA and write about living in LA? Maybe, maybe not. Who’s to say. What I do know is that every time I land back here and I’m driving home from Burbank Airport or LAX with the windows down, the breeze feels like home and adventure at the same time and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel hopeful here and it feels like maybe I shouldn’t. It feels like willing to be foolish. And I guess it’s just as well.